My legs trembled as I looked down below me. The view. Visually, it made me see how small we are compared to the world. Emotionally, it gave me a euphoria I never experienced before. How is it that out of billions of people, places, that you chose me, and this exact location to be with me? There was something you offered me that no one has given me, and that was making me feel like I was worth more than what I assumed of myself.
The details counted that night, and everything took me by surprise. Truly in my heart I never had a day, not even my birthday, where I felt like today was my day. That’s what you did for me. For no reason at all, but ‘just because.’
As the elevator made its way higher and higher, my excitement grew. I was anxious to know exactly what was waiting ahead. Finally the doors opened, and as we stepped inside I remember thinking to myself.. ‘I don’t belong here. I feel out of place. I feel somewhat humiliated.’ My mouth flew shut, and my ears ran hot with embarrassment.
You noticed, and I remember you reminded me saying that isn’t this what I wanted. I mumbled yes in return. The chandeliers, the soothing piano playing in the background, forks and spoons gently tapping the plates in front of them. It was all like a movie.
Our host graciously pulling the seats out from underneath the table for the both of us. How the napkins were folded intricately, the number of silverware overwhelmed me. My body drowned in those plush seats, as I tried to take it all in. You smiled from across the table, with the small flames of the candles illuminating one side of your face. In an instant I hear the splash of wine being poured into my glass by our server.
My fingers ran down the menu in front of me, and my confusion began. I wasn’t familiar with any of these dishes or their descriptions, and definitely pronunciation. I felt like an idiot for sitting here, but you took care of everything.
I remember the first dish that came out, and the small laugh you gave me as I was using the wrong utensil without knowledge of which was which and what for.
Everything was heavenly. You knew I wanted this experience, and you knew I wanted everything around me to be a familiar setting. As I quickly glanced at the view beside me, I began to drift off.
Thus what felt like a dream continued, and I loved every single moment of it. You said you wanted me to stop worrying about my troubles. You promised that things would get better from now on.
That night was the start of this life of yours that you pushed me into, which I was not used to at all. It took me a while to see that everything that got me to smile, wasn’t really happiness. It was a life of pure comfort and luxury. You spoiled me rotten but at the same time all I wanted from you was your heart. I didn’t know what I could give you in exchange to amount for everything you gave me. I frequently questioned you. Why me? Why now? Everything was always a question. I spent half my time wondering if there was something to all of this.
How come it felt too perfect? To the point where negativity overfilled my head. I was convinced you were trying to erase my past, my entire life, to be a part of yours. You wanted me to leave those things and people you deemed unworthy. I couldn’t do that. My heart wouldn’t allow it.
I know you wanted to give me the best of everything. To have me escape the harsh ‘reality’ only to see the wonderful side of it. I appreciated that, and I can never repay you for it. Though you expected so much in such a short amount of time. You told me you loved me, and you were right. You could have given me the world in a heartbeat, but that’s not what I was looking for. I wanted you to accept me for who I was, and where I came from. I didn’t want to feel ashamed of those things. So the pressure increased, and I finally gave out.
I wasn’t sure if I loved you, if I was willing to go on living some story out of a fairytale everyday. Because at the end of the day, I would always ask myself.. “What if you couldn’t give me these things, would this love be genuine still?”